letter to baby #19

My little girl,

The anticipation of your arrival has made me feel like I've been pregnant for 2 years. On the other hand, knowing (or thinking I know) the physical, emotional, and financial responsibilities it takes to have and raise a child makes me feel like pregnancy just isn't quite long enough. 

I'm going to be very honest with you and someday you'll understand just what I'm feeling. 

I am scared. 

I'm scared to give birth, even though everyone says I'll be fine, we just don't know for sure what all could go wrong and just how painful this is going to be. I'm scared that I won't have enough energy to stay up with you, feed you, continue working, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and maintaing my home. That I might not know what each cry means. I'm scared that I'll struggle with post pardum depression. 

That your dad and I will be so exhausted from lack of sleep and undergoing such an emotional change that we'll say unkind things to each other. I'm scared the distractions of our new life will push your dad and I apart. I might not be able to nurse. I'm scared that something will happen to your dad and it will be just me and you - on our own.

Tonight I was working on your welcome home chalkboard and started to ball my eyes out thinking you might not ever make it "home." 10,000 Reasons was playing on Pandora and I had to tell myself that whatever does happen, it's all a part of God's perfect plan, and that there will always be "10,000 reasons to for my heart to sing." I then began to sob even harder thinking that God does have the power to take you from me, and I'll need to be OK with that.

The blessing in that very sad (and probably irrational) moment was the harder I cried, the harder you kicked and wiggled. I wrapped my arms around my belly and thanked God for the moments I have had with you. For the tiny kicks you've given me, for the stretches and flips that I've been able to feel. I might not ever be able to get pregnant again, or be able to bring you into our home, but I will get to meet you someday. I felt like your kicks were my reminder that I should enjoy what I have now and now worry about the future - that's out of my control.

There are so many other fears I have about becoming a mother, but I just can't dwell on all of them. Even though I'm terrified about so many aspects of motherhood, I'm also excited and up for the challenge. 

I know I'm contradicting myself going from fear to excitement - but that's what happens to women (it's not just the pregnancy hormones!)

With everyday, the fear slowly drips away (unless of course I have a crazy irrational scenario run through my mind in a downward spiral) and the excitement has started to build.

I had a dream a few weeks ago that you were here. And you were beautiful! I woke up so excited to meet you.

I can't wait to snuggle with you on the couch, let you sleep on my chest, change your diapers (yes, I'm excited for that - I'll probably change my mind a few weeks after your born), give you baths, listen to you make squeaks and coos. I can't wait to watch you kick your crazy legs, you certainly move them a lot now!

And what I think I'm most excited about it watching you and your daddy cuddle. My heart already melts at the idea of watching him care for you.

Love,

your anxious, excited, and possibly irrational Mama